Hi, readers!  So far, we have covered the “Four F’s” of our first marital vows: to love freely, fully, faithfully, and fruitfully.  We are really moving along with these beautiful, comprehensive vows!  For this second Sunday of September (say that 3 times fast), we will be moving into the second “set” of vows.  Those are the “for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”  The ones you hear in movies a lot.

The vow to love my husband “for better or for worse” is maybe the most overwhelming to me personally.  The others refer to specific circumstances or seasons within our marriage.  But this is good times, and it’s bad times.  It’s all the times.

It’s not all rainbows and butterflies…

One thing I love about the Catholic marital vows (and the Church’s teaching about marriage overall) is that they don’t pretend like marriage will be a perfect, fuzzy-wuzzy experience every single day.  Non-Catholic couples often have vows like this: “I will spend my life making you happy.  You will never be lonely again.  Every morning I will wake up with a smile, because I will wake up next to you.”  So sweet.  And so not honest, realistic, or even all that meaningful. 

Meanwhile, the Catholic vows lay it all out there.  “You’re going to be sick sometimes.  We’re going to go through trials.  We will probably have some financial concerns or disagreements.  But I promise you that I will choose to love you through my actions each day anyway.”

This particular vow, to love “for better or for worse,” recognizes that we are the first ones who will be there to celebrate the highs in our spouse’s life, and that we are the one they will lean on in the lows.  We will all experience suffering in this life, and if you are married, some of that suffering will even come at the hands of your spouse.  Your husband or wife will eventually hurt your feelings or make you feel forgotten/ unappreciated/ lonely.  He or she is human.  You are human.  And you live in the same space and share a good deal of time together.  It’s inescapable.

Of course, you will also experience external trials putting stress on your marriage.  Family issues, mental and physical health concerns, loss of loved ones… It’s all tough.  I pray we can all lean on our spouse and on God during these hard times.

But suffering is not actually all bad.  Here are some of the silver linings…

1. Suffering can make us appreciate our spouse more.

I appreciated Chris’ support and comfort more than ever when I was grieving for my grandma and when I was sick for weeks on end in early pregnancy.  Traits like his stability and listening skills shone through in those tough times.

2. The lows make the highs even better.

Just as Easter is SO exciting after a long, dry season of Lent, the happy moments of marriage really stand out after more difficult seasons together.

3. Suffering can make us better husbands, wives, and Christians.

I think St. John Vianney summed this up so well.  “Crosses are on the road to Heaven like a fine bridge of stone over a river, by which to pass it,” he said.  “Christians who do not suffer pass this river by a frail bridge, a bridge of wire, always ready to give way under their feet.”  Every trial is an opportunity to become more patient, forgiving, long-suffering, and hopeful.

4. Our suffering is valuable when we unite it with Christ’s suffering on the Cross.

The Catholic position on suffering is truly beautiful, and inherently different than Atheistic or even Protestant views on suffering.  We believe that Jesus’ total sacrifice of Himself for us was infinitely meritorious (valuable) on our behalf, and when we unite our own smaller sufferings and sacrifices to His, He redeems our pain into something beautiful.  This means our suffering isn’t pointless or meaningless- it’s meritorious, too. And best of all, if we suffer with Jesus, we will one day share in the glory of His resurrection.

By his passion and death on the cross Christ has given a new meaning to suffering: it can henceforth configure us to Him and unite us with His redemptive Passion.

CCC 1505

Whether you are in a season of “for better” or “for worse” right now in your marriage, you and your spouse can commit anew to your marital vows.  Laugh together, cry together, do life together.  As they say, “joy shared is joy doubled; sorrow shared is sorrow halved.”

References:

Filz, Gretchen. “What St. John Vianney Taught About the Value of Suffering.” Last modified February 26, 2016. https://www.catholiccompany.com/magazine/st-john-vianney-catechism-suffering-6294#:~:text=St.%20John%20Vianney%2C%20the%20famous%20Cure%20of%20Ars,it%20has%20in%20the%20life%20of%20the%20Christian.

Roman Catholic Church. The Catechism of the Catholic Church. 3rd ed. New York: Image, 1995.