Happy Sunday, readers!  In our posts on Church teaching so far, we have established that marriage is a covenant– a family bond- with its own specific vows.  If marriage were a job, our vows would be the job description.  How can you do well at a job if you don’t understand the job requirements?  I think it’s time to start discussing these vows, one by one.

I like to call the first four marital vows the “Four F’s:” we must love our spouse freely, fully, faithfully, and fruitfully.  So, what does it really mean to love freely, and what can we do to love more freely today?

On the base level, loving your spouse “freely” means that you have not been forced into marrying or loving them.  You chose your husband or wife of your own free will on your wedding day, and each day you choose to love them anew.  We can take the idea of loving freely deeper, though.  In this world, it can be easy to be enslaved by sin, addiction, and material attachments.  As Christians, we should always endeavor to break these chains.  The more free you are, the more freely you can love.

According to the Theology of the Body, you must be “master” over yourself if you desire to give yourself to your spouse.  This means you must be able to say “no” to the things of this world.  

Are you really free to love?

What tempts you?  What has control over you?  Here are a few common things that can enslave us in this world.  Take a moment to consider if/ to what extent each item on this list has control over you. 

1. Fear and anxiety:  Your thoughts are constantly consumed with worries about the future.  You find it difficult to trust God, yourself, your spouse, or others.
2. Materialism:  You always want more and find it difficult to be content with what you have.  You like to have the newest and best item, and enjoy showing it off.  You “treat yourself” to another unnecessary purchase or extra snack/ dessert frequently.
3. Jealousy: Your thoughts are often on other people’s possessions or circumstances, wishing you had them.  You feel unhappy when you compare yourself to others, but you just can’t stop.
4. Lust and unchastity: You see your spouse (or others) as objects, or as a means to an end (your sexual satisfaction) instead of ends in and of themselves.  You have trouble showing your spouse affection and love in non-sexual ways, for example during periods of abstinence in Natural Family Planning.  You use pornography (Note: For some, pornography is not just a casual temptation, but a true addiction.  If this describes you, please see the item below on true addictions).
5. True addictions: People with real addictions need real help.  For porn addiction, I recommend seeking assistance from organizations like Integrity Restored and Fight the New Drug.  If you are battling a different addiction, such as alcoholism or drug use, you should also seek professional help breaking those chains (from Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, etc.).  Get yourself the help you need.  You and your spouse deserve nothing less.

How to love more freely

If these or other attachments have become unhealthy in your life, your ability to love your spouse, God, and others freely is compromised.  But God made our hearts to love freely, and He will help you on the journey!  Here are some ways that you can become the true master of yourself.

“It is so easy to go astray on the flowery paths of the world.”

St. Therese of lisieux

1. Prayer: Pray that God would help you with His grace as you seek to detach yourself from the attachments of this world.  Here is a great and very simple prayer from ‘The Imitation of Christ:’ “Oh Jesus, unspeakable sweetness, change all the consolations of this earth into bitterness for me.” (This was one of St. Therese’s favorite prayers!)
2. Let the grace flow:  Grace, or the help of God, is the steroid drug of the spiritual athlete.  All the Sacraments are designed to give us access to grace, and to help us better cooperate with that grace.  Baptism, confirmation, marriage, the Eucharist and Confession all offer specific graces.  You already have it there, ready to use!  But are you using it?  You might not be “letting the grace flow” or cooperating with it well, and then it is a wasted resource.  Frequent reception of the Sacrament of Reconciliation helps you let sacramental graces flow in your life.  Have you been to Confession since our challenge back in January?  Maybe it’s time to hit up the confessional again!
3. Tithing and giving of yourself:  One of the best ways to avoid materialism is to give to others instead of excessively giving to yourself.  The Church encourages “tithing,” or giving 10% of income to those in need.  Additionally, give your husband or wife more quality time or help them out with some tasks around the house, and I promise your relationship will benefit.
4. Fasting and other mortification: Denying yourself little things that you want gives you mastership of yourself.  St. Thomas More secretly wore an itchy hair shirt under his clothing every day.  St. Louis Martin denied himself simple things like crossing his legs or drinking between meals.  His daughter, St. Therese of Lisieux, was thus inspired to make tiny sacrifices along her own “Little Way,” each an offering to God. 
5. Imitate some spiritual role-models:  Without exception, every saint I have ever read about practiced various forms of fasting or self-denial.  They all received the Sacraments frequently and prioritized their prayer lives.  These are already super holy people, and they found these practices integral to growing in virtue.  So I know I have no excuse!  If there is a holy person (living or dead!) you connect with, try to pick up some spiritual practices from them.  I hope you find some of these role-models here on the blog!

You freely chose to love your spouse on your wedding day; remain free and in control of your own will so that you can choose to love them anew today, tomorrow, and every day of your marriage.  

References:

á Kempis, Thomas. The Imitation of Christ. New York: P. F. Collier and Son Co., 1909.

John Paul II, Pope. The Theology of the Body: Human Love in the Divine Plan. 2nd ed. Boston: Pauline Books and Media, 1997.

St. Thérèse of Lisieux. Story of a Soul. 3rd ed. Washington, DC: Editions du Cerf and Desclée de Brouwer, 1972.