Note: This is a cross-post from catholicmom.com, where I write as a monthly contributor.

I once read about a couple going through a rough season in their marriage. The husband shared that, when they were talking at all, he and his wife were bickering. He said it didn’t feel like they were on the same team.

Then the man had an idea to change the direction his marriage was headed. He decided that, whether he felt like it or not, he would greet his wife each morning with a smile and this simple phrase: “How can I make your life easier today?”

Sharing the Load

In just a couple of days, his wife’s response to this question changed from cold and sarcastic to warm and gentle. After a few more days, she began asking how she could make his life easier in return. Soon, they were tackling household chores together, truly listening to and supporting one another emotionally through trials, and praying together. They were on the same team again.

There are definitely times that I think bitterly to myself, “If only my husband helped with this problem or did that task, my life would be so much easier.” But how often do I ask him how I could lighten his burden? 

The Marital Vow of Loving “Fully”

When I married my husband, Chris, I vowed to love him “totally,” or fully. I promised to love not only the fun and easy parts of his life, but also the difficult trials and the mundane daily tasks that pile up in his life. I promised to be Chris’ helpmate in carrying all his crosses. When Chris and I combine our burdens and shoulder them together, we are loving one another fully. We are on the same team.

As it is Holy Week, writing this calls to mind some images. First, there is St. Veronica wiping Jesus’ face out of love for Him. Then, there is Simon of Cyrene helping our Lord carry His cross. Unlike Veronica, Simon didn’t exactly want to help Jesus—he was forced to do it—but I like to think that the experience changed Simon’s heart. Maybe the next time he saw someone in need, he volunteered to help. Maybe the next time he saw someone struggling, he was moved with love for them and actually desired to share their burden.

Sometimes, we want nothing more than to help our struggling spouse. Other times, especially when we are heavily burdened ourselves, we just won’t feel like helping. Feelings are fickle. But at the end of the day, it isn’t the desire to be helpful that proves we love our spouse fully—it’s the action of helping.

Whether you feel like a helpful St. Veronica today, or you feel more like Simon of Cyrene, try using this simple phrase in your own marriage: “How can I make your life easier today?” Watch how the humility of this phrase transforms your marriage and helps you to love your spouse more fully.